Tarantulas vs The Vok: A tale of lotsa stuff
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: The Third and Final part to my Other Victories parody! What fiendish plan does Tarantulas have for the captured Tigerhawk? And why does it involve a French maid's outfit?
1. Revenge of the Vok

Tarantulas vs. The Vok: A tale of love, laughs and designer knitwear

By Metal Gear Prime

Summary: The first part of my 'Other Victories' parody. WOO!

Part 1: Revenge of the Vok 

We start off in a spacey nebula place, wherein lies the Vok, a race of floating skull aliens. A pair of Vok (Vok A and Vok B) stare at each other. After three hours of this Vok A speaks up. 

Vok A: I've received word of a temporal anomaly in Grid 1093728346, otherwise known as Grid 'Ducky'. 

**Vok B: **Umm…

**Vok A: **Earth.

Vok B: Oh yeah, Earth! Where we did that experiment! 

**Vok A: **Yes.****

**Vok B: **So how's it coming?****

**Vok A: **We discontinued it more than a year ago.****

**Vok B: **Really? Pity that. Wasn't it supposed to allow us to genetically engineer a new type of fish finger?****

**Vok A: **…I'd hit you if I had arms. Look, we need to head down to that planet. Megatron must beseized before he causes any more damage to the timeline. In short, we must 'throw down on his ass'.****

**Vok B: **How shall we accomplish this task?****

**Vok A: **By creating an awesomely powerful emissary which we shall inhabit but will somehowturn against us by the end of the day.****

**Vok B: **Ah, of course.****

The Vok look up and spot the bodies of Airazor and Tigatron. As the float up to them both Maximals open their optics and stare at their captors irritably.

**Airazor: **About slaggin' time!****

**Vok A: **Pardon the delay, but we did say we would get to you shortly.****

**Tigatron: **That was over a year ago!****

**Vok B: **Was it? Boy, time flies when you're lying motionless in a nebula huh?

**Airazor: **Are you going to let us go or what?****

**Vok B: **Oh, we're going to do much better than that!

**Tigatron: **Better?****

**Vok A: **Yes, we're going to rip your still living sparks out of your bodies before fusing the said bodies into a being of almost unimaginable power.****

Silence.

**Airazor: **And how the slag is that supposed to be better?!?****

**Vok A: **Who said it was going to be better for you?****

**Tigatron: **Son of a –

Whatever profanity Tigatron was going to use is lost as his spark and Airazor's spark are ripped from their bodies before the vessels are fused into the seriously badass Fuzor known as Tigerhawk. The Vok enter the beast before powering away towards Earth, not noticing the disembodied sparks of two royally pissed off Maximals following in their wake.

Meanwhile, at the Darkside Quickstrike is held between Rampage and Dinobot 2 as he goes on trial for his actions in 'Master Blaster'. Megatron is on his hover throne playing judge (complete with silly wig and hammer) while Inferno types up the trial's minutes. Waspinator is nowhere to be seen.

**Megatron: **Hearye hearye! Court is now in session! (Looks for Waspinator before speaking to Quickstrike) Where is your defense?****

As Quickstrike tries to shrug the doors of the room burst open to reveal Waspinator in a crisp business suit and wearing a pair of glasses. He is also holding a briefcase.

**Waspinator: **I OBJECT!!!****

**Megatron **(slightly stunned)**:** Pardon?****

Waspinator briskly walks over to Quickstrike and pats him on the shoulder as the Fuzor goggles at him.****

**Waspinator: **Wazzzzpinator's client wants to plead insanity!!****

**Quickstrike **(coming to)**: **Ah do?****

**Megatron **(warningly)**: **Waspinator…****

**Waspinator: **Wazzzzpinator also demand retrial! Wazzzzpinator barely have enough time to buildwinning case! But Wazzzzpinator now reveal secret weapon!

**All:** Secret weapon…?****

**Waspinator: **Wazzzzpinator call character witnesses!****

At this two wizened figures hobble into the room. They both look exactly like Quickstrike, except that one is wearing a dress and has her white hair in a bun while the other is dressed in dungarees and a cowboy hat as well as a scruffy beard.

**Quickstrike: **Ma! Pa!****

**Ma and Pa Quickstrike: **Son!****

Petrified at the though of more Southern accented Transformers hanging around the base, Dinobot 2 and Rampage open fire on Ma and Pa, reducing them both to so many atoms.****

**Waspinator: **Okay, that not go so well. But Wazzzzzpinator have enough circumstantial evidence and irrelevant video footage to make this trial last until the end of time! MWAHAHAHAHAHA –

Everyone (save Quickstrike, who's restrained) whips out their large and, lest we forget, obscenely powerful guns and fire them at Waspinator. Bits of the unfortunate insect rain down in copious amounts.

**Megatron **(to Quickstrike)**: **You're guilty. I sentence to you a slow and painful death at the hands of our resident pair of highly deranged yet extremely lovable psychopaths.

Rampage and Dinobot 2 give Quickstrike the sort of grins that would have Hannibal Lecter running for the nearest exit. 

**Quickstrike: **But it wasn't me, Boss! It was the one-armed Transmetal spider!

**Megatron: **Suuuurre it was.

Luckily for the befuddled cowboy bot, the Predacon computer chose this moment to pipe up.

**Predacon Computer: **DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBIN…er, MEGATRON! LARGE, FLASHY METEOR THINGY HEADING STRAIGHT FOR US!

**Megatron: **What is it?

Predacon Computer: I told you. A large, flashy meteor thingy heading straight for us. Are you deaf?

Megatron: Lousy smart allecky…

At this Megatron turns to the others.

Megatron: As you are all aware we are in a crisis situation. Therefore I am invoking Directive 9434423443467889835437390F, effective immediately.

The Predacons stare at Megatron before erupting into a frenzy of screaming, running around in circles, frantically praying to Primus for salvation and general panic. Megatron stares at the display in amazement.

Megatron: You idiots! I said Directive 9434423443467889835437390F, not Directive 9434423443467889835437390E!

Predacons: Oh.

The Predacons immediately take their posts, with exception of Inferno who stands beside Quickstrike.

Inferno: What of the traitor Royalty? Shall I give him…the 'Treatment'?

Inferno reaches into subspace and whips out a large club-like device with numerous curving hooks, sixteen hammers and a cuddly duck's head attached to it. All four of Quickstrike's eyes widened in fear and confusion.

Megatron: Hmmm. We might need him for later, yesssss…

Inferno: Aw, please?

Megatron: Oh, very well. Anything for the birthday boy.  

Inferno: Yay!

As Inferno drags the screaming Quickstrike into the adjacent room Megatron leans back in his chair and smiles as he wonders why he was suddenly experiencing stabbing pains in his groin. Over at the Ark Rattrap and Rhinox are seated in old rocking chairs and are smoking pipes while staring at a scanner.

Rhinox: Meteor's a'comin.

Rattrap: Yep.

Over at Tarantulas' secret lab (the one with the constantly active neon lights and air raid sirens mounted over the entrance) the deranged spider was busily poking his Megatron voodoo doll with red hot needles when his computers warned him of the incoming 'meteor'. Seeing what it truly is, Tarantulas smiled and cackled like a loon, as per usual. This time he laughs so hard he doesn't see that he was about to sit on his pile of red hot needles.

The resulting scream was so high pitched that only Silverbolt heard it.

To be continued…


	2. Those darn Vok!

Chapter 2: Those darn Vok!

Back at the Darkside everyone is preparing for the meteor when Inferno emerges from the other room and takes his position. Quickstrike comes out a second later, looking slightly the worse for wear.

**Quickstrike: **Muh…muh…muh…

**Megatron: **Ah, Quickstrike! You survived, yesssss. Get to your post!

Quickstrike looks up at the tyrant as if in a daze.

**Quickstrike: **Are YOU ma mother?

**Megatron: **Um…

**Rampage: **Firing auto-guns!

**Dinobot 2: **Raising Sentinel shield!

**Waspinator: **Making sandwich!

Everyone stares at Waspinator.

**Waspinator: **What?

Cut to outside the Darkside. The Sentinel shield flares into life as the auto-guns simultaneously aim upward and send a hail of firepower hurtling towards the 'meteor'. The heavy rounds impact off it, causing no damage. Back at the Darkside…

**Dinobot 2:** Sensors report 90% of the meteor has been destroyed!

Suddenly every monitor on the Darkside explodes.

**Dinobot 2: **Apologies. I was looking at the wrong monitor.

**Predacon Computer: **Radiation from meteor affecting all primary systems. Sentinel shield go bye-bye now.

**Megatron: **Well that's just Megatron.

Cut to the exterior of the Darkside as the Sentinel shield dissipates. Back inside the Predacons stare upwards as emergency klaxons continue to blare.

**Inferno: **Royalty! It will destroy the colony! And I can't imagine it will be all that pleasant for us either!

Everyone looks to Megatron to make a decision. The camera focuses on ol' Grape Face as he thinks long and hard over what to do.

**Megatron: **Having thought long and hard about the matter for a full five seconds (a record!), I have decided to…HEY!

The other Predacons have already broken the door down and are running like mad away from the Darkside, except for Inferno who is awaiting his Queen's brilliant idea with rapt attention.

**Inferno: **My Queen, I await your brilliant idea with rapt attention!

**Megatron **(transforming into dragon mode)**: **Oh, shut up and RUN!

And so both Predacons exited the base mere moments before the 'meteor' destroyed the Darkside. Over at the Ark…

**Primal: **It did WHAT?!?

**Rattrap: **Yeah. Sorry Optimus but…yer pet lemming took a long walk off a short mountain top dis mornin'.

**Primal **(teary eyed)**: **Sir Oink's-A-Lot?

**Blackarachnia **(to Rattrap)**: **Do I want to know?

**Rattrap: **If ya value yer sanity, no.

**Blackarachnia: **Thought so. Optimus?

**Primal **(manfully holding back the tears)**: **Y-yeah?

**Blackarachnia: **What do you want to do about the admittedly small matter of the possible return of a race of incredibly dangerous aliens who would like nothing better than to see us all roasting in the very deepest levels of the Pit?

**Primal: **I…I…I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS NOW! 

Primal runs out of the room bawling his eyes out all the while. The three Maximals stare after him in silence for a moment.

**Rhinox: **All in favor of sending Cheetor on this dangerous and possibly fatal mission say 'aye'.

**Rattrap: **Aye.

**Blackarachnia: **Aye.

**Rhinox: **Aye.

**Silverbolt **(down the corridor)**: **Aye.

**Depth Charge **(over the com)**: **Aye.  

**Cheetor **(also over the com)**: **Nay.

**Rhinox: **Sorry Cheetor, the ayes have it.

**Cheetor: **Crud.

Back with the Predacons, who are watching Tigerhawk menacingly fly out of the crater left behind by his arrival.

**Tigerhawk: **I am Tigerhawk, emmisary of the Vok!

**Predacons: **Who?

**Tigerhawk: **The Vok. You know, the aliens who have been trying to reduce you all to so much paperweight material?

**Predacons: **Ah.

**Tigerhawk: **Your form's changed but I know you Megatron.

**Megatron: **B-but how?!?

Tigerhawk silently points to a nametag on Megatron's chest which reads "Hi! I'm Megatron!" As the tyrant rips the tag off he shoots a nasty glare at Inferno.

**Inferno: **But Royalty, it seemed a good idea at the time!

**Tigerhawk: **Anyway, the Vok charge you with the perversion of time and space, not to mention quite a few indecency charges.

**Megatron: **For the last time, I WAS DRUNK!

**Tigerhawk: **Suuuuuure you were. Cutting a short story even shorter, it's dying time for you and your followers.

**Megatron **(robot-moding)**: **Oh really?

Tigerhawk smirks at Megatron before shooting a beam of energy at the sky. Instantly the clouds darken and a tornado appears sucking up Inferno, Waspinator and Quickstrike.

**Waspinator **(checking a stopwatch)**: **Hmmm. Slagged in four seconds. This must be a new record for Wazzzzzpinator.

**Quickstrike: **MAAAAAAAAAAA!

The tornado speeds off, carrying the three Predacons away from the battle. Tigerhawk points a missile at Rampage and Dinobot 2.

**Tigerhawk: **Who's next?

**Dinobot 2/Rampage **(pointing at each other)**: **Him.

After a second of thought the Fuzor fires the missile, casuing it to impact between the duo and sending them flying. Megatron begins to look worried.

**Tigerhawk: **I give you one final chance Megatron! Resist me and die slowly and painfully or surrender, whereby you'll die slightly quicker.

**Megatron: **I give you…EVERY CHANCE IN THE WORLD!

    

Awkward pause.

**Megatron: **Crap. One of the best lines of the episode and I blow it.

**Tigerhawk: **Can we fight already? I'm on something of a tight schedule here.

**Megatron: **Huh? Oh yeah, that.

Both bots leap into the air, transforming into their dragon and tiger/falcon modes respectively before clashing in mid-air. Meanwhile Cheetor is swiftly making his way to the battle zone.

**Cheetor: **Grumble grumble…damn friends sending me on a suicide mission…mutter mutter…they'll pay for this, oh yes they will pay…

Cheetor is stopped in his rambling by the sight of Megatron and Tigerhawk fighting in mid-air.

**Cheetor: **Either I'm at the right co-ordinates or I've stumbled onto one freaky Pokemon battle.

Cheetor watches for a few minutes, enraptured by the pretty weapon effects. Then, with a shake of his head, he prepares to leap into the fray. After a few minutes of readying himself, he looks around, annoyed.

**Cheetor: **Uh, hello? I'm waiting here!

**Tarantulas **(off screen)**: **Keep your pants on, I'm coming!

Tarantulas comes hobbling out from behind a rock, with 85% of his body covered in Plaster of Paris.

**Cheetor: **Whoa! What the slag happened to you?

**Tarantulas: **Well, I could just tell you and save time, but what's the fun in that? Flashback mode!

The scene goes all wobbly as we go back to the mad spider's lair at the end of Chapter 1. After sitting on the red hot needles, Tarantulas leaps into the air and makes contact with the light bulb. After getting fried by many, many volts of electricity, Tarantulas hit the ground and bounced into the oven, smashing the door in and upsetting the bowl of hot fondue which had been resting on top, causing it to fall on him. Blinded by the fondue, Tarantulas stumbled backwards, landing in the closet with the words "Storage for large anvils and ready set mousetraps" written on the door. Many clanging and snapping noises are heard for a solid half hour. 

**Tarantulas: **Gaahhh…I'm in…tremendous pain…eeeHEEYAHEAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

End flashback.

**Cheetor: **Huh? If you were in tremendous pain, then why were you laughing?

**Tarantulas: **Contractual obligation. I have to do that at least once an episode. Now on to business!

Tarantulas traps Cheetor in a web and looks down at Tigerhawk below. Thanks to the flashback, the Fuzor has already beaten Megatron and is at the end of his dialogue with Optimal Optimus. They seem to be arguing about something.

**Primal: **…and I say that the coolest member of the Fellowship is Boromir! 

**Tigerhawk: **Fool! None can withstand the coolness of Aragorn! BUUUUURRRRRRRNNNN!

**Inferno **(a distance away)**: **Quiet you!

Tigerhawk opens a chasm, swallowing up Primal. With this done, he turns back to the task at hand, only to be swarmed by Tarantulas' light bulb/spider drones. 

**Tigerhawk: **AAGH! Not the face! Not the face!

A loud CLANG can be heard.

**Tigerhawk: **EEEEEYAAAAAH! Not the crotch! Not the crotch!

Tigerhawk goes down as Tarantulas laughs in triumph from on top of the cliff. A lightning bolt strikes him, casuing him to fall into a pile of mutant cacti which bursts into flame for no good reason. Fade to black over the sound of Tarantulas getting beaten up by a pack of drunk ninja cows…

The third and final part to this travesty coming soon! 


	3. A Vok is for life, not just for Christma...

Chapter 3: A Vok is for life, not just for Christmas 

A little while later, we see Cheetor lying in the web Tarantulas trapped him in last chapter. As the lazy git snoozes, the sparks of Airazor and Tigatron float down to him.

**Tigatron: **Are you sure about this?

**Airazor: **Do you have any better ideas? 

**Tigatron: **I do. Why don't we get someone who's…well, competent to help us?

**Airazor: **Like?

**Tigatron: **I dunno. Rhinox?

**Airazor: **Too far away. It's either Cheetor or Optimus.

**Tigatron: **Isn't that a bit like being given the choice of death by hanging or beheading?

**Airazor: **Pretty much. Come on, let's get this over with.

The two sparks merge into a single spark with a bright flash. When it clears, we're inside Cheetor's subconscious. For some reason Cheetor is in robot mode and dressed as a sailor. He stands up.

**Cheetor: **Wh-what's goin' on?

Airazor and Tigatron appear in front of the young Maximal. Airazor is dressed like a pirate captain while Tigatron is dressed like Super Mario.

**Airazor: **Arr! Greetings, Cheetor me lad! Arr!

The falcon pauses for a second while she replays what she just said in her head. She puts her face in her hands.

**Airazor: **Arr! I should be knowing that Cheetor's mind isn't the best place for holding a rational conversation. Arr!

A mushroom hits Tigatron in the leg, causing him to grow to twenty times his original height.

**Super Tigatron: **I'm huge!

Cheetor looks at the ensuing scene with a look of bemusement on his face.

**Cheetor: **I should have never drunk that coffee Rattrap gave me. What was I thinking?!

**Super Tigatron: **Hey! We're not delusions brought on by faulty coffee beans! We're the sparks of Tigatron and Airazor, and we're here to warn you about the Vok!

A few minutes later… 

**Airazor: **Arr! Will ye help us?

**Cheetor: **Well, I don't know…I mean, I am pretty comfortable lying here…

**Super Tigatron **(aside to Airazor)**: **I think he needs a bit of a push.

**Airazor: **Arr! I be havin' just the thing!

Airazor gestures to her left, where a being of awesome hideousness shambles towards Cheetor. The cat bot screams in terror.

**Cheetor: **No! Not…not YOU!

**Bob Skir: **Cheetor, baby! I've gotten a great idea for a new series. It'll be called "Beast Pacifists: Guns Are Naughty" and it'll star you!

**Cheetor: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Back in the real world, Cheetor breaks free of the web and hurtles off at half the speed of light, followed by the conjoined spark. Meanwhile, in Tarantulas' lair, Tigerhawk wakes up stuck to a giant web and wearing a French maid's outfit. 

**Tigerhawk: **Aww man, not again… 

Tarantulas hobbles up to the Fuzor, looking like a mummy.

**Tarantulas: **Howdy!

**Tigerhawk: **Tarantulas! The Vok is all too familiar with you.

**Tarantulas: **Really? Nothing but good things, yes?

**Tigerhawk: **Mostly, apart from an incident involving you, a horse and a bottle of Helmann's Mayonnaise.

**Tarantulas: **Ahem. Let's get started shall we? I'm just going to extract the aliens from your body and then turn you into my mindless all-powerful slave. Is that all right with you?

**Tigerhawk: **Well gee, let me think about this…ooh! How about NO!

**Tarantulas: **Well, tough titty kitty. You've already signed the consent forms.

**Tigerhawk: **Consent forms?

Tarantulas shows Tigerhawk a grubby piece of paper.

**Tigerhawk: **That's not my signature! I'd never spell Tigerhawk with a Z! This thing isn't even remotely legal!

Tarantulas limps over to a monitor and switches it on. A Lawyercon appears. 

**Lawyercon **(flatly)**: **This document/declaration is perfectly legal in every way, shape and form.

The monitor switches off.

**Tigerhawk: **Curse you and your mastery of obscure Cybertronian legalese!

Tarantulas laughs like a loon (as per usual) and activates a machine. A large, very scary looking gun swings out of the ceiling and blasts Tigerhawk in the chest. Cut now to Cheetor and the spark of Airazor/Tigatron as they enter Tarantulas' lair.

**Cheetor: **Hmmm, this is too easy…

On cue a dozen light bulb/spider drones rush towards Cheetor.

**Airazor/Tigatron: **Smooth move, genius.

**Cheetor: **Relax, guys. I mean, what can these little fellas do to me?

Again on cue, a humungous light bulb/spider drone walks out to meet Cheetor.

**Cheetor: **Crud.

Back with Tarantulas and Tigerhawk, where the former is sitting with his back to the latter and is reading a Manga book. As the gun continues its onslaught on Tigerhawk, Vok A and Vok B vacate the Fuzor and head toward Tarantulas. Cheetor chooses this moment to enter the room, wearing a mackintosh made from the giant drone. He gapes at the scene in front of him.

**Tarantulas: **Heh heh heh…oh Professor Nova, will you EVER get to win?

The console in front of the spider beeps, causing him to look up at it.

**Tarantulas: **Something's wrong, eh? Now what could…(turns around and sees the Vok heading straight towards him)…YAAAARGH!

Tarantulas stands up as the Vok (slowly) advance on him.

**Tarantulas: **Stay back! Stay back or I'll use my hopelessly ineffective shoulder guns!

The Vok continue to advance.

**Tarantulas: **You asked for it! YAAAAARGH!

Tarantulas fires his shoulder guns, the bullets of which pass harmlessly through the Vok and hit the still active laser gun. The bullets causes the gun to swivel towards Tarantulas as both Vok enter him.

**Tarantulas: **AAAGH! NO! EARGHH…actually, this kinda nice. A bit like…

Tarantulas stops talking as he sees the gun aim at him.

**Tarantulas: **This can't be good.

The gun blasts him, sending him flying into a web of energy generated by two poles. The energy generated by these poles combined with the gun's output begins to rip Tarantulas and the Vok to pieces.

**Vok B: **Great plan, Marty. Inspired.

**Vok A: **Shut up Doug.

**Tarantulas: **I REGRET NOTHIIIIIIIIIING!

Tarantulas explodes, which somehow causes his lair to do likewise. With seconds to spare Cheetor grabs Tigerhawk's body and exits the lair as it explodes, knocking him out. Cheetor awakens to the sight of Optimal Optimus standing over him, grinning. He's holding something small and furry.

**Cheetor: **Optimus?

**Primal: **Cheetor! Look what I found!

Cheetor stares at a very frightened looking mole in Primal's hand.

**Cheetor: **It's a mole.

**Primal:** No it isn't! It's Sir Oink's-A-Lot! He survived!

Cheetor opens his mouth to argue against this, but wisely decides that it would be a waste of breath.

**Tigerhawk: **Ahem!

Primal and Cheetor turn to face Tigerhawk. His eyes have changed color now that the spark of Airazor/Tigatron is in him.

**Tigerhawk: **Optimus! It's me…I mean, us! 

**Primal: **…

**Tigerhawk: **Airazor and Tigatron? We disappeared in Season 2, remember?

**Primal: **Can't say that I do. But welcome to the Maximals anyway, friend of friends!

**Tigerhawk: **Uh…thanks.

The trio transform to Beast/Vehicle mode and fly off. We now see Megatron (Beast mode) on top of the cliff the Maximals were at the foot of. He chuckles to himself before getting struck by a bolt of lightning. Stunned, he transformed to robot mode and fell to the foot of the mountain. Landing face down, he hears odd sounding footsteps approach him. He looks up.

**Drunk Ninja Cows **(waving ninja weapons menacingly)**: **MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Megatron: **This just hasn't been my day, has it? Yesssssssss.

End

Many thanks and a free goodie basket to all those who reviewed! See you next time!


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